"sometimes providence can be defined as times when God trumps your perfectly good plan with one of His own [take heart, He's still there]."~beth moore

This has been such a common lesson in my life in the last few weeks. I have had a really difficult time desiring God and making time for him in my busy schedule (so cliché, I know) but it has been an ongoing internal battle for me. I want to know God, but it doesn’t come naturally and it is hard. Therefore, I give up easily.
But, thankfully, God doesn’t give up on me. Even when I feel like a failure, he comes through for me and teaches me something incredible. Even when I don’t give him the time he deserves, he still speaks to me. Especially when I feel like I don’t even deserve it.
Yesterday as I was sitting down, listening to two of my babysitting kids laughing and playing, I started thinking about what God might be teaching me right now. I was feeling discouraged, alone, and desperate and in turn, frustrated with God because he didn’t seem to be helping me out of this. My unfulfilled desires seemed more vivid and discouraging than normal and they seemed to compile on each other. And, I often feel so filled with desires and big dreams that I don’t know how my mind contains all of them! I want to make a difference in the world, I want to know God fully and deeply, I want to experience joy and beauty, I want to know and experience deep love, I want to travel and explore and have huge adventures, I want to let people know however I can that God loves them, I want to soak up as much life as possible, I want to enjoy the outdoors, I want to have time to rest and enjoy the presence of God, I want to hear His voice etc…and lately, all of these wants seem…unfulfilled.
I didn’t realize it until yesterday though…it seemed as though God said, “Kate, I have to get you to the end of yourself, so that you realize that all desires are fulfilled in me.” He isn’t being cruel or heartless or disconnected. He loves me so much that he will let these desires be frustrated so that I run to him with all that I have. Its hard to even describe all of this and I am in the middle of learning it, but thank you, Jesus, for being the fulfillment of all my deepest desires.